Helpless
by ashbazell
Summary: What will I even accomplish? I couldn't stop him then…how can I hope to now?


A.N- The idea of this story came from a prompt that my darlin' queenveexo found on livejournal. (Go read her stuff when you get the chance, btw. It's wonderful.) It was "come a little closer". The idea I had initially was beautiful, but I don't think I wasn't able to properly relay it. I hope you can find a relation to the prompt somewhere in there, but if not, I hope you still find it enjoyable to read. S'not really _that_ important, is it? More will be coming soon.

So let's get it.

Ahh, jes. Disclaimer: I don't own FFIX. _Clearly_.

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Helpless

The water was impossibly blue, as though someone had reached down from the sky and painted it to stretch out into the horizon the way it did before her. To her, it seemed so artificial. Her eyes were failing to register the concept of a beautiful ocean. Her skin would not acknowledge the delightfully mild air that caught her long, dark hair up in a breeze, and the smell of the fresh, open air and water, the fish that peeked out, and flew alongside the bows of the Blue Narciss, eluded her. It all seemed as dull and blank to her as she may have looked to those around her.

Garnet stood at the edge of the deck silently, and she would have, even if the trauma hadn't taken her voice from her. Her thoughts were scrambled, and every day since Alexandria had been destroyed was a battle to reorder them. She could still see the outlines of flames, of her own destructive eidolon behind her eyelids in flashing colors, and feel the heat in her dreams. Her heart harbored the same helpless feeling. In the mirror, she saw not the capable queen she'd sworn at her mother's grave to become, but, instead, a princess in distress. She was a failure, only weeks shy of ascending the throne. No doubt, that was what her people thought of her.

_ And even more so now…I should be home, helping them…but here I am, running…I'm always running… _

Granted, she had left with the party to seek retribution for her kingdom in shambles, among countless other things. Kuja, the man responsible for all of the disastrous things plaguing her mind, had escaped beyond the Outer Continent, and they set off to find him. But to her, no amount of effort could undo what had been done, and nothing could remove blame from its seat on her shoulders.

_ What will I even accomplish? I couldn't stop him then…how can I hope to now? I'm so—_

"WHO ARE _YOU_ CALLIN' A LOUDMOUTHED BRAT? I OUGHTA—" came the sound of someone yelling, breaking through her thoughts.

"Now, now, Eiko, you mustn't scream that way—"

"I heard him say it! You heard him say it, too!"

"Well, if you hadn't _stepped on his foot_—"

"His _foot_ was in _my way_!"

Garnet looked on as Freya led Eiko by the sleeve out of the ship's cabins. She imagined the youngster had been fighting with Amarant. It wasn't hard to surmise, seeing as that was all the girl had done since they boarded the ship. Tensions were high all over, and hardly twenty minutes would pass before an argument erupted. Garnet smiled faintly, seeing Eiko's pout as Freya adjusted the young girl's dress, probably giving a lecture on ladylike behavior.

She took advantage of having been able to peel her eyes away from the ocean and surveyed the ship. An interested and possibly frightened Vivi sat beside Steiner a ways off, probably listening to his stories of war. Blank alternated between steering the ship and playing what appeared to be a rather intense game of Tetra Master with the Regent Cid (the Regent looked furious, even for a caped frog. He was probably losing). Others were either asleep below the deck, or busying themselves with work, like Quina, who was preparing the day's meal. Soon enough, Garnet's mind began to wander again, but as she turned to the water, it dawned on her that there was one face she hadn't seen.

_ Where's—_

"Dagger?"

The queen nearly whirled around, startled to hear a close voice so suddenly. The one she was searching for stood there, wearing a concerned look at first, but then cracking a goofy grin. She didn't even hear him approach.

_ Zidane… _She pressed a gloved hand over her chest as she regained her composure.

"Uh…hey. I, uh…I just wanted to see how you were doing…today," he said guardedly. Zidane, who was usually rough and reckless in speech, had been walking on pins and needles around her as of late. She didn't like it. She didn't want his pity; it only served to prove to her how helpless she really was. But she couldn't let him know. Instead, she offered a weak smile and looked to the ocean, hoping it would answer his question in the affirmative, and he would leave her to her (notably depressing) thoughts.

She could see the blonde searching for something to say from the corner of her eye. He opened his mouth to speak several times, but finding nothing, she assumed he would walk away. He didn't. He folded his arms on the railing and looked out at the ocean as she did, standing a few feet away. Moments passed without words. Calm waves licked the sides of the ship, and the sound of idle chatter filled the air behind them.

Garnet delved into her own thoughts again. The night that Alexandria was destroyed, she was certain she would die. She found herself falling, unable to regain her footing on the platform of the castle that was sliding to the ground. She remembered herself in a frightened daze; a desperate scream charged its way out of her throat. Then suddenly, she was flying. His arm was wrapped tightly around her waist as they swung from a banner that had been strewn outside the castle's walls. Breathlessly, she clutched his shoulders, and embraced him, unable to suppress her tears. Zidane had come to her rescue, not unlike the countless times he'd done during their journeys before, across and under land, through marshes and deserts.

She owed him _so much_.

She found herself looking over at him. She thought maybe his presence was a good thing; she could barely concentrate on anything, let alone continue to let her mind sink into depression, with him standing there. He was looking towards the sky, his tail swaying idly behind him, letting the winds tousle his hair. Oddly, she noticed that the distance between them was glaring. Zidane didn't hold great respect for personal boundaries, _especially_ not her own, and yet, there he stood, an unreasonable distance away. Or it felt unreasonable. She'd become so comfortable…

It didn't take long for him to notice what had become her stare. He lifted an eyebrow curiously, and then brought his face to a smug grin. "Something on my face?" he asked. "Or are you just taking it in?"

It wasn't until then that Garnet noticed what she'd been doing and regained herself, shaking her head, and turning her face back to the ocean, embarrassed.

Zidane sighed lightly, and returned his attention to the ocean. "It really is beautiful…" he said, finally.

Garnet glanced at him, and then lowered her eyes to the water. She couldn't manage to find beauty in much of anything, given the current state of things.

"Dagger," he spoke again, his voice even and purposeful. She looked up, this time into his eyes. He had never once read her correctly all the days she had been mute, but for once, she felt as though he might really understand the emotion behind her glazed-over eyes, and colorless skin. She found herself biting back the tears that began to well.

Zidane, oblivious to the crack he made in the dam the queen had built around her heart, looked out at the ocean once more. "I just…I just want you to…" he paused, cautious as ever, searching for the words he wanted. After a hard sigh, he continued. "Look…I can't guarantee you anything, Dagger…but no matter what happens next…I'll protect you."

The tears in Garnet's eyes began to trickle down her cheeks. He didn't understand. She did not _want to_ be protected. For once, she wanted to fight for herself and for her friends, and her nation. She did not want to hide behind anyone. She wanted to fight with Zidane, by his side.

She turned away, a motion that struck Zidane's heart just as sharply as she'd moved. He didn't want to hurt her. Seeing her the way she was did nothing but hurt him.

Suddenly, Quina's head burst through the door leading to the cabins. "You come eat food now!" s/he said brusquely, and then slammed the door.

Garnet was not fazed by this, but soon, she heard footsteps retreating, as Zidane, no doubt at a loss for words to say, turned to leave her to herself, as he no doubt supposed she wanted him to. The queen turned, tears spilling from her eyes, and opened her mouth to call his name. All that came to her was a labored breath; her heart ached as she was rudely reminded of the absence of her voice.

As Zidane walked, he suddenly felt himself pushed forward. Two slender arms wrapped themselves around his torso, and silent sobs vibrated against his back, as Garnet closed the wretched distance between them. He stopped and looked down at her hands, quivering and clutching his tunic beneath red leather. The moment seemed to last forever, even as the party began to file away below deck (Zidane noticed Freya rushing Steiner down the stairs before he could see Her Majesty's arms wrapped around the thief, and disaster could ensue. He smiled inwardly, deciding that he would repay her later) and the day's mild breeze surrounded them.

"Dagger…" he whispered. He closed his hand around hers.

_ Zidane… _And though he did not understand, she found she didn't either. Her thoughts, and actions were confused, crisscrossed, and muddled. She did not want his protection, or the shame of his pity, but as confusion consumed her, she recognized that she could not be alone.

"I'll be here," he whispered again. She began to sob harder. Perhaps he did understand.

_ I know you will be…I won't let you go.  
_

_

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_:D  
Review, por favor.  
Any criticism is helpful; I understand if I'm not as well-versed in ship terminology, or specific details of the game (I could not for the life of me remember who was on that boat!). So toss me something that will make this better.


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